The REAL Angel Sanctuary
by Ayaren
Summary: This is the real, unabridged, true to fault ANGEL SANCTUARY (ignore all cheap imitations, this is the true story of Setsuna, Kira, Alexiel and their numerous companions)


Disclaimer: I don't own it, I never did and I probably never will.

The Real Angel Sanctuary by Ayaren

A/N: this is pointless, it has no point therefore do not look for a point because of the pointlessness of it all.

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This is the real, unabridged, true to fault:

ANGEL SANCTUARY

A boy lived in Tokyo, his name was SETSUNA MUDO … and he was gay … because he's the reincarnation of the _female_ angel ALEXIEL … and he's sexually confused … because he is attracted to his only friend SAKUYA KIRA (who is male) … so he pretends to be an incestuous prick and fall in love with his sister, SARA (the only girl he seems to know) … he wants to make Kira jealous … so he picks a fight … and thanks to Sara he gets pounded … but Kira is worried about him so he doesn't really mind the bruises … then he's depressed when Kira leaves him to hang out with KATO … so he kisses his sister … who declares she will die without him … so he smirks, knowing this will make Kira jealous … and he needs to get laid (badly) … and during the ahem "proceedings" their mother walks in and then spontaneously combusts.

Meanwhile in Heaven: The purple-haired bishie angel KATAN has been depressed for several millennia owing to the act that his one true love is sealed inside the earth … and it's Setsuna's fault (well, more Alexiel's, but who's counting?) … so Katan finally gets around to bringing back ROSIEL … who immediately blows him off to find Setsuna … who is really his sister Alexiel … and kill her/him/it.

Meanwhile in Hell: KURAI, the fourteenth child of King Gehenna (mmm busy man) is also looking for Setsuna (well, Alexiel really) … she dresses like a boy … and her cousin ARACHNE (who is a male crossdressing demon) dresses like a girl … Hell seems to have gone downhill these past few apocalypses … so Kurai follows Setsuna around … dropping heavy objects on him (no pianos unfortunately) and generally trying to "wake him up!" – Although we must point out that he is already awake … nevermind.

Anyway, Setsuna was happily wallowing in the scowl on Kira's face as he kissed Sara … again. There were definite signs of jealousy there … YES! … Finally Kira got sick of the smug look on Sara's face and walked over to Setsuna … and asked him out … Setsuna said yes and dropped Sara … leaving with his gorgeous new boyfriend.

Sara was upset … she cried … no one cared … she went home … and then went to London and married an ugly old man … and died alone and unloved … HA!

Setsuna and Kira went home … Kurai found them and forced Alexiel to awaken … Setsuna was hell pissed that those damned females had ruined his plan to get laid … so he sent Kurai on a one track back to hell (she wasn't hurt … honest) … and then tried to get rid of Alexiel … but she was staying put …

KIRA WAS HER MAN!

Kira confessed that he has a split personality disorder … he is Kira … Nanatsuya (the Seven Bladed Sword of the Holy Spirit) … and Lucifer (he's gorgeous sigh) … talk about a load of responsibility … Setsuna didn't give a shit … he was in LOVE damnit!

So Kira/Nanatsuya/Lucifer shrugged and proceeded to give Setsuna exactly what he wanted … as in SEX (and lots of it) … unfortunately this act brought forth Alexiel again … who was quite happy to keep going … I mean, what did it matter Setsuna and Alexiel both like Kira/Nanatsuya/Lucifer … and he's certainly not complaining.

Meanwhile, Katan was sad because Rosiel was fixated on Alexiel … and I do believe he was wildly jealous under that cool façade … so Katan decided to kill Setsuna to bring himself back into Rosiel's attention … so he killed Setsuna …

SETSUNA WAS DEAD! HA!

Kurai sighed and went to stand in front of a wall with a paper bag over her head … waiting until the time of the next apocalypse …

Arachne went shopping for a new bra … with extra padding …

Alexiel went back to floating around somewhere … waiting to be born again …

Kira decided to return to Hell as Lucifer … world domination sounded like a good way to avoid depression … and being a sword is really unappealing (there's like, no sex) …

Rosiel was annoyed … REALLY APOCALYPTIC-LIKE ANNOYED … but then he saw Katan in a pair of silk boxer shorts that were just a tad too small mmm … and the world was spared …

And Katan was very … VERY … happy … need I say more?

Up in heaven, the archangel Michael was angry at God for commenting on his stature … only Lucifer is allowed to do that …

Raphael was in bed … he'd been out drinking and womanizing all night …

God went back to sleep with a hangover … he was spending way too much time with Raphael these days …

THE END.

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A/N2:

This piece of complete and utter pointlessness owes its being written to the complete and utter boredom one suffers when one has just completed a maths test one knows one has failed anyway and which one just doesn't care about any more.

The idea was born in that math test, and (unfortunately) refined further thanks to the input of several other crazy peoples who were also horribly bored at the time – it also spawned numerous sequels for Evangelion, Weiss Kreuz, Orphen, Fruits Basket, Rurouni Kenshin and god knows how many other series, but they will unfortunately not be appearing because they are even more pointless than this one … if you're lucky you might see another (or unlucky, since they're that bloody pointless). (plus, I kinda lost some of them, sorry peoples).

Since it seems to be the thing to do, I'd better say "danke" to some peoples or they'll hit me (Ayaren winces in pain) and that kinda hurts. So, thank you very muchly Tess-chan (aka **Chaos' Immortal** **– read her fics, they're good**!!) for your distractions in art and for the amusement of "Schwartz Takes Over Ancient Civs" when the teacher thought we were actually working and for your contributions to the rest of this series (which I will say again will remain _unpublished_ cos they're totally ridiculous). Thanks Kato-san (without you I still wouldn't understand that third impact thingy not that it all makes sense now, but thanks for trying to explain it). To Fi and M, ta for the nights of endless anime and M, next time don't let me drink all that coke.


End file.
